How I spook myself...

Here's an e-mail I recently wrote:

Those are the phantoms. And since, phantoms, being ghosts, are not bound to a single place, these don't have any location.

They will be banished once I fix the bug.

And now, I am feeling like I am talking about Kingdom Hospital.

Sometimes, I am so good that I spook myself...

I Love Free Thinking

Or what some people might call, a wandering mind.

So, while commenting on Amrita's post on Drona, I was stuck on how Priyanka looked like a female version of Prince Dastan (no, Farah does not dress like that). Which of course put into mind a thought that a Princess of Persia game (or a movie) starring "Piggy Chops" hopping all over the place, dropping the monsters and guards, popping the Vizier... sorry, got a bit carried away there.

What I meant was, a Princess of Persia Priyanka Chopra (a whole lot of P's there) would be a real hit.

Which of course reminded me of this howlarious video of Lara Croft and Prince of Persia:

Warning: Unless you sit in a soundproof cabin or you have mastered the art of silent laughter, DO NOT OPEN IN OFFICE.



As I said, the Princess of Persia idea is now copyrighted.



P.S. There are some great "Related Videos" over there. Especially, the PoP outtakes one is...

Two Days in a Row

Day 1:


I know, not a great photo. I have yet to get a hang of my p990i's camera.
So, I present to you, Day 2:

Can you spot the second rainbow under the roadsign?

What's in The Name?

There are some books you wouldn't want people know you are reading. I mean, you wouldn't want to show people that you are reading "How to Murder a Millionaire", would you now?

Think of all the questions...



P.S. I am NOT reading that book. Not now, not in foreseeable future.

Deja Boo(k)

Has it ever happened to you that you start reading a book, and with each line you feel like you have read this earlier?

Yes, it happened to me yesterday.


And since I knew that the book didn't start with content copied from any other book, I was faced with only 2 choices:

1. I have started forgetting the books I have read already (as I could not remember the name of the book with similar content I had read earlier). Looks like Carl Sagan is right.


2. Ergo, I have started getting old (and here I am, still single).

Luckily, before I fried my brain worrying about this, I realised that I was reading the book again, and I hadn't gone past the prologue last time (which should give you the idea why I promptly forgot about the book).

I am so happy to be still young.

Fount of Knowledge Part VII

a.k.a. Politics is...


Something I read yesterday made me realise the true meaning of the word "political":

Asking somebody something politically (or, being political) means asking the person a question exactly opposite in meaning than what you want to ask.


I mean, if you want to ask somebody about age (or rather, old age), you would ask/mention how young that person looks. Mentioning that somebody is lying through his/her teeth would take the 'hopeful' form, "That can't be right, can it?" Now that I mentioned it, I think you can now think of more such instances, right? (And that's not a political question, so feel free to answer it).

Now that I have seen the light, I know why ignorant people are disappointed when the political promises (especially those made on the eve of election) are never fulfilled.



P.S. When I ask you to comment on my blogs, that is also not "political" request, it is real.

Holmes, I Ain't...

... but then, I don't need to be...





OK guys, work with me here, and tell me if I am jumping at conclusions here.



Imagine the scene... You are helping some people who are moving, and your job includes (and is limited to) making sure the boxes are being piled correctly in the truck. Which means you have a lot of time on your hands to roam around in the colony. So... well, you roam around looking at all these garage doors.



And then, you notice that one of the garage doors has a keypad lock. Before you can say MI (or any other sci-fi movie name for that matter), you notice it is not exactly the best of protection.





For one thing, you notice the digits 2, 4 and 5 have been erased beyond recognition (of course, with what I can only assume to be the "Enter" key), while all other keys are... there's no way of putting it delicately, in pristine condition.



And before you can say 6 tries max (yes, 3 digits can have only that much combinations) before you hit the jackpot, you notice that you are standing in front of building with apartment number XX238-XX252.



Now, I think you get what I mean when I say that you don't need to be Holmes to crack this one...

Fount of Knowledge Part VI.V

a.k.a. From A Kid's Mouth



We all have heard the phrase, "Laugh and the world laughs with you".



I found out recently that kids have their own version of this:

"You are not being polite. You didn't laugh when I laughed just now."

Fount of Knowledge Part VI

a.k.a. The Observations from a Cross-country Flight and A Hiking Trip


For all people wondering where I have been for last few days, I flew across the country all the way to West Coast on Thursday, and then we went on a hiking trip to Yosemite National Park over the weekend. Two days of living in a canvas cabin, no electricity, heating by wood-burners, all food stored in lockers to keep away the bears, two phones out of six with any reception kind of trip. I mean, complete au naturale.

But apart from a lot of fun, the last few days also taught me a few things:

• You know you've been connected too much to iPod when you start fiddling with your iPod remote because you can't hear anything on the airport terminal TV.


• You know you are not getting anything to eat on the flight when you see the pilot carrying a packet of sandwiches with him.


• It's not co-incidence that hungry and angry rhyme. Especially for kids.


• Wood-burners are pain. Making fire in them is even more pain. Sometimes, being cold is not that bad.

So, till the time I settle back, here's a sample of what we have been doing:



There's some 200 more where these came from...

Life Is Weird

Harry Potter fans know Imelda Staunton as Her Pinkness Dolores Umbridge, The High Inquisitor. For all non-Harry Potter fans (really people, when will you see The Light?), she (Umbridge, not Staunton) is a nasty, prejudiced disciplinarian, who does things like shown in the video below:



(sorry for the voice, or rather lack of it)

Which is why it is weird when you suddenly come across her (Staunton, not Umbridge) acting as DSI Julie Enfield (more about her later) on BBC, where she takes "private lessons" from a handsome chef in one episode (radio drama = full vocalization *ahem*), and is heard karaoke-ing (that's a word) in another. It's like having your HoD walk in the college canteen and start taking about "Successful Proxy Techniques". In a word, "That's weird"...

And talking about weird, remember when the garden hose you use has something jammed in it, then you start the water and after some time, the jammed thing suddenly flies out of the pipe? My headphones are like that pipe.

Yesterday, I was listening to some things while sitting in library. After a while, I packed my laptop, disconnected the headphones and connected them to my i-pod. Suddenly, after 5 minutes I heard *ting-ding* in my headphones, the sound whose source could only have been me disconnecting my mouse from my laptop's USB port.

And then today, I selected the latest Julie Enfield mystery on my i-pod and left for school. Halfway there, I heard the sounds the scroll-wheel of i-pod makes through the headphones. The weird thing is, my i-pod was locked since I left my room.

The Fount of Knowledge Part V

When people come here in search of "The Definite Answer", one of the most frequent questions is about what career they should follow, or what would be the Next Big Thing (the others being about girls and books). And in our quest to answer all the questions of the questers, we keep our eyes open. And the result of the extensive research is...



Forget IT or call centres or BT or KT, The next Big Thing is "Effigy Burning". Don't believe this?





Let's take a look at the industry. What is the most important thing needed for the effigy burning? Effigy (it has to be called "effigy burning" for a reason, right?). So for starters, we have one or more artists "preparing" that effigy. Then, no industry can live without a transport system, even though the system is your local autowallah or tempowallah. Then, we have all those people who are paid to shout slogans (come on, are you telling me so many people come out in burning heat just because they could not see a kiss live?). So you can see how this industry is important for economy.



And remember, the only investment needed is some clothes, a can of kerosene, a matchbox or a lighter, and a nice loud voice. Talk about low investment, high return job.



Now, we have some suggestions for Indian Government to nurture this emerging industry. First let's put some professionalism in it (something like what they did for Khadi). Making this cottage industry into professional companies will induce competition, which will in turn work wonders with quality and price, at the same time ensuring the welfare of the artists (include all other advantages of capitalism here). That will also bring this emerging industry under tax umbrella, thus increasing the government's revenues. We can also make certain effigies of people who undermine our national culture "tax free".



Then, let's have tax protections for local artists (companies, to be precise). I mean, who would want a "Made in China" effigy (even if it is cheap), if 2 out of 5 effigies don't burn (or they burn out before you start a nice loud naarebazee)?



Censor boards and other such bodies should be tasked (under "Right to Information Act") to give out information about all kisses and such vulgar acts in movies and other such media before they come out. This will give the artists more time to create better effigies (remember, Quality is King in any production industry).



More suggestions will be pouring soon. But for all those people who want to get ahead of the market, Aerie Institute (after the most successful course, Spamming 101)is starting "Effigy Burning 101". Register now, remember that there is a whole new field of outsourcing waiting for you out there, which will still be here after people in western countries are burning effigies of people in India who are responsible for outsourcing.



P.S. This started as a comment on Neihal's post, but since it kept growing, it developed into a post.

The Fount of Knowledge Part III

An excerpt from my upcoming book, "Fleiger and The Art of Computer Maintenance". This chapter shows how maintenance your computer is necessary to your public (or rather, web) image.

So, you have got yourself a new computer, a new blog, registered on a public forum and are ready to make an impact in today's world of Web 2.0? But keep in mind that as with any other profession/hobby, the tools of the trade must be top-notch if you want to impress other or simply get the maximum profit or fun out of the activity. Towards that end, keeping your computer spic and span is the most important thing you will do in your web experience.

Let's start with the keyboard, your "mouthpiece" on the web. As you have heard the importance of "oral hygiene" many times, I think it should not come as a surprise that I am going to talk about keeping your keys clean...

1. Caps Lock: A quite big key (mostly) placed on the left hand side, near the alphabet "A". All this makes it the key which is most likely to get stuck (how many times have you found out that you are typing something which involves "A", and find suddenly that everything you type is coming up in upper-case?). But remember, when somebody sees you comment/write something all in upper-case, they are going to be as impressed as when you stand on a podium with a large green spinach leaf in your front teeth.


2. Shift: The key below "Caps Lock", so it is often the one key which is most ignored. The key makes it possible to insert punctuation marks (see below) and make "selected" letters upper-case (key word being "selected"). This makes this key one of the most important to be used for the correct and grammatical writing. Now I am not the first person to talk about the importance of grammar, and I will not be the last. Well, just think of the difference between "he" and "He" (Hint: the same as calling the President of a company clerk).


3. Punctuation Keys: These keys (including full stop, comma, exclamation mark etc.) are spread throughout the keyboard, which makes it very hard to use if you want to type something quickly (and some of these need Shift key, making it doubly hard). But of course, as I said before, they make it easier for others to understand what you are saying, don't they? So, as much as I like the convenience of fast writing (smsese, as I have heard some people call it), doesn't somebody saying, "paneermutteraloomuttergobimutter" make you long for a menu card which tells you, "Paneer Mutter, Aloo Mutter, Gobi Mutter"?

Of course, Shift and Punctuation keys are also prone to get stuck with overuse, so it is also important to clean the keys as much as it is to use it.

Next chapter: "Grammar and Spelling: When It Is OK to Ignore Them?"

Know anything I have missed? Want me to include any more chapters/parts in the chapter? Any comments on this chapter (or any mistakes I have made)?

The book will be published as soon as my keyboard stops putting ellipsis in place of every other full-stop (which is making the book trifle long than my publishers want to pay for)...

SuperMom

A public service post

Seen at Dulles International Airport, a way to keep a close watch on your kids (Ages 5-8)...


It was a surprising sight for all of us when a 6-yr old girl bowed in front of her mom, which prompted everybody to call the mother "Super Mom" (and somebody to tell the mom to "enjoy it while it lasts").

Later near the baggage claim area, we got to see how the status can be achieved.

Apparatus: Your kid, a portable CD-player (iPod or MP3 players may work)

Procedure:
1. Put your kid's favourite CD in the CD player.
2. Give him/her the headphones.
3. Keep the CD player in your hand, and keep your kid close without it getting obvious or the kid getting resentful.


- For I am The Great Eagle...

P.S. If the mom is reading this, public is going to thank you for this tip.

The Fount of Knowledge Part II

These being the words of The Great Eagle... Second in the series of the posts which will reveal the true meaning of life, and provide the "Definite Answer" you are seeking in this mortal universe. Following the advice in these posts will be advantageous in this and next life (we are carrying out studies to compile a proper list of "Things You Will Get").


As every other "Enlightened One" will tell you, the morals of today's generation are slipping. The people are getting selfish, egocentric, even vain and are not thinking about others...

But what others will not tell you is that where does this selfishness comes from... (which means I am going to tell you now, you ignorant ones)

The root of all this evil is in our TV serials and movies. We have all heard of how TV is "idiot box" and how the adultery and violance in those serials and movies is affecting today's kids. But evils of tvils and movils, sorry TV and movies go much deeper than just that...

I mean, we have movie titles like "Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rahte Hain" and TV serials named "Banoo Main Teri Dulhan", "Tulsi Tere Aangan Ki"... And this "maan na maan, main tera mehman" message is what the young generation is watching on the TV.

So, to avoid this, I am going to request all the producers to start using polite questions like, "Kya Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rah Sakte Hain?" and "Kya Main Aapki Dulhan Ban Sakti Hoon?" (I mean, at least give the poor guy a choice, he is going to get married you know)

This also has a further advantage for all the TRP-loving producers that all the titles will start with K (and you know what that means in terms of TRP). Call it "fleigerology".

Which means I will also start getting visits from the producers, not just the "general public". Seems my ERP just went up...


- For I am The Great Eagle...

S.P. 1. All the titles in this post are spelled using fleigerologically correct hinglish spellings. No numerology stuff for me...
2. ERP = Enlightenment Rating Points (more about this later)

The Fount of Knowledge Part I

These being the words of The Great Eagle... As promised, first in the series of the posts which will reveal the true meaning of life. Following the advise in these posts will be advantageous in this and next life (the complete list of "Things You Will Get" is being compiled, sorry).

Yesterday, I got an epiphany while I was reading the following lines:

"Ba (character) and ka (life force) had to find each other and unite in underworld as Ra journeyed each night through it..."

Now, let me take a break here to tell you that I didn't get this on top of a mountain or below a tree, but in a book... (Now back to original programming)

The realization hit me at that point: God sent us humans to earth to make a bakara (the MTV kind, not Capra aegagrus hircus) out of us. The ones who know this try and find the hidden cameras. Others flounder before someone shows them the (flash)light.



- For I am The Great Eagle...

Countdown to 14th Part II

Rediff "News" section (don't ask me why) has a headline called "How to score on Valentine's Day", on clicking which, you land at this page.

Now, as I already said in Part I, and as my prof confirmed today, reading over the weekly quizzes will help me score in my test on 14th, and I am doing just that right now.

Then again, I know I am pretty much anari when it comes to matters of heart as I have been told over the ages (that would be ages- 15 to current). But I am pretty sure knowing the fact that none of Bollywood couples in Q.10 are in the movie "Traffic Signal" (either singly or in couple format) is not going to help me "score" on Valentine's Day.

So, I am going back to read about Linked Lists, Recurrence relations and all that stuff...



- For I am The Great Eagle...

The Rs. 4,41,25,000 Question #2

The second in series of questions which humankind (I don't want feminists on my case) has tried to puzzle out for ages (or at least, since when hostels were invented):

After a survey of a lot of horror series as well as movies, we have realised that one thing is always taken for granted. But, here at Aerie Institute, we always question all the premises:

Why do all urban ghosts (male and female) congregate in ladies hostels?

This phenomenon may have something to do with the fact that the extraordinary happenings, like restroom doors locking themselves, sometime forcing the occupant to "rest" inside until released, or your entire luggage being shifted to corridor are taken for granted in the boys' hostel (whoever said boys will be boys, may be right). It also may have something to do with the fact that the chattering and giggles and squeals (after sighting a crawler) in ladies hostel make many a supernaturalkind feel at home. This may also have to do with the ghosts' innate desire to get maximum scares for minimum efforts.

But, a lot of research is being carried out in the institute currently, which may suggest that the ghosts' habit to walk through the doors and walls, and not knocking unless they want to scare someone may have something to do with this.

Not totally related, but showing the difference in genders, is an incident which took place some years back.

We, the classmates of third year engineering had gone on a tour. One day (or one night, to be specific), some of us decided to keep awake for the whole night as we had booked a bus for early next morning (and I mean around 5 am by early). Naturally, after sitting for some time outside our rooms, the subject turned to ghosts. One fellow told a nice little story about a ghost near their house which stands on a bridge and asks the passersby for matches to light his cigarette.

One or two stories later, there was a slight lull in conversation as many of us were thinking that keeping awake is such a chore, when we spotted a person striding towards us. He stepped closer, and asked, "maachis hai kya?" ("do you have matches?"). After a minute of silence all the boys started guffawing and one girl was almost reduced to tears by fear, while the unfazed seeker had to wait for a lot of time for one of us to calm down enough to enlighten him that his quest was not ended.



- For I am The Great Eagle...


P.S. For the start of series, read this, which is one of the most commented upon posts in this blog's history. Also, if you are wondering about the changes in title, that's because the exchange rates have changed.

Difference

Do you know what is the difference between good comedy and just comedy? Canned laughter...

Do you know what is the difference between canned laughter and "live" laughter? Two points:

First, canned laughter is same every time, which gets irritating after first few times. I mean, I don't think any person can laugh the same time after time after time.

And, most important point is, canned laughter sounds like you are pointing out to people watching that you want them to laugh at that point. It reminds me of the guy we know who could not tell a joke even if there was a loaded gun pointed at his head (I think he is still the same). We used to tell him to raise his hand after he finished telling the joke, so that we could laugh. I mean, I like to laugh at points I find funny, not when somebody does his "pop the can, hahaha" routine.

So, in summary, that's the difference between "Naya Office Office" and " Sports Night". And if I am sounding cranky, I have been working in a overheated library with outside temperature near 20C, while we were expecting a nice, cool thunderstorm today. Nothing bugs you like not having to take a forced break from work.

Anyways, "Sports Night" is great... Unfortunately, there are very few videos or promos on YouTube, so go get the episodes. It is a definite precursor to Studio 60, I am going to get after Aaron Sorkin's filmography (or televisionography, or whatever it is called).

(Type) Writer's Block

I want to write... I want to tell the people about a very good book series, and a very good (though old) TV serial. But, somehow last few days all I am doing is sit around and watch episodes of West Wing and Sports Night. The Office just came back on the tube after the Christmas break, and Studio 60 is on the break till 24 Jan, and I fear it might not finish the first season. I have the entire post in my head, but no wish to type anything.

In short, I am suffering from Typewriter's block (not Writer's because I have the post in my head).

So, please bear with me till I overcome the block (and no, it is not laziness).



P.S. The picture at the top remains there till my college starts or till I feel, whichever is later.

The Year of Sequels

The year has been a sequel year (as truly all the years in the calender are, but that's not what I meant).

There were direct sequels, like Hera Pheri II, Dhoom II and Munnabhai II (though the names were slightly different). In Hollywood we had Pirates of Carribean II, Saw III, Santa Claus III. Not to mention nth Superman movie, and nth Rocky movie.

Then there were remakes (which are let's say sequels of cast and crew of the original). Sholay (though it is yet to be made) and Casino Royale to name a few...

Last but not the least, there were titular sequels (nice term isn't it? I coined it), i.e. the movies which "sequelled" the name of the original. To give an example, in Bollywood "Main Hoon Na" became "Tum... Ho Na".

All in all, it seems it was A Good Year for Deja Vu (though apparently, both these movies tanked at box office)